hana no youni
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Hokuto's last moments haunt Kakyou's dreams.


**fandom – X/Tokyo Babylon  
title – hana no youni.  
pairing – Kakyou + Hokuto  
rating - g  
description – Hokuto****'****s last moments haunt Kakyou****'****s dreams****.****  
**  
**Disclaimer: Tokyo Babylon, X, and Little Prince aren****'****t mine.  
**

Do you know how much I really hate mirrors?

With my hands in tight fists, I conjure up the best face that I can possibly give to the world. I cannot hold back, but nor will I abuse myself in a way that makes me act less of who I am and what I want to be. Even though the tear-like shapes of blood emerge and flow invisibly from my fingernails and out of my palms, I ignore them completely. I wash all of this away with the salty water from my eyes.

I _will_ smile.  
That's what she taught me all these years.

But more tears emerge before I can stop them from coming down, like the pouring rain made of sakura sure to come my way.

I want to hate her for it

but I can't seem to.

**hana no youni. (like a flower.)  
By miyamoto yui  
**

There are memories that come and go. They rush through my body as if they were all mine to have, unborn children never meant to be kept. I keep on hoping one will stay with me indefinitely. I wish that were so.

I know better though.

I become dizzy. All I want to do is kiss her, but she is gone too. I hold onto that coldness. I wonder who she was. She knew everything that she could at that time and I've lost her in this haze. I've tried to reach out in vain, wanting to give strength and yet depending too much, to the point of breaking from the pressure.  
Opening a vein, I find myself still alive, here upon this lonely Earth thinking I'm the Little Prince. I walk and walk. I continue to discover things.

Sometimes it's out of excitement and sometimes, I turn around in a horrific state of pain. Show me where I can find her again. Give me a little hint. It's such a big world and all. A little help goes a long way.

I want to love her again, with all the anguish and cheerfulness.

Give her back to me. The one who didn't know the power of "change" or the state after "innocence". Maybe I could have saved the person I cherished most in this reality.

Give myself back to me!  
**  
+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**

_/This was what she said to herself before she turned away from the mirror, washed her face and met her brother, who was still in his self-imposed coma. Adorned in white and traces of violet, she smiled at him despite her fear. She masked it with the hope deeply embedded into her heart, holding onto her last wish as the key._

_In the end, overflowing love surpassed that fear._

_And these thoughts repeated in my head._

_They_

_'__re no longer hers, but transferred from dreams to me. They__'__ve become my thoughts now. I drink them in as if they__'__ve been mine all along.  
Sometimes, I wonder if I__'__ve mixed up her words with mine and what I__'__ve wanted to say or hear._

_Whatever has happened,I don__'__t know if I__'__ll ever get her back._

_Even if I did, after all this time, space, and experience,  
would she still be the same?_

_Of course not._ _She would change. She would be different._

_And as I reached out to stop what fate had already written, I closed my eyes waiting to be caught by my own pursuers. In sync with her at the moment of her death, I lost myself completely. After all, she was my soul, wasn__'__t she?_

_Yet, I knew I had no place in hers__. __I had to at least experience this much with you, couldn__'__t I__…__?/  
_**+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**

Looking into those troubled, yet arrogant eyes, he holds me closer. I can't breathe from the excitement and the natural terror that takes over my body.

Defiantly, I laugh in a wide grin to spite him. As expected, he smiles back at me.

Blink.

Like the sakura tree I'll lie within, I'll die. Then, I'll bloom again, on the foundation of hope.

Blink, blink.

After all, my name is Hokuto.  
The only destiny I have is to rise,

to become even stronger than before.

The blood flows and I reach out my hand to touch his cheek. I can no longer speak with my lips.

I remember our picnic during hanami. "You're like a flower," you told me as you picked up a pink petal from the ground. You looked at it and then your eyes pierced into me. Before everything becomes dark, I smile proudly as I hear my precious one's melodious, yet timid voice laughing,

"You only grow and head towards brightness, don't you, Hokuto-chan?"

I nod and giggle.

That's right.  
Right towards you.

Didn't you know, that after all this time, even with all your self-doubt,  
you were the person I've always wanted to be, Subaru?

I can't hold up my hand any longer...

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** I hope I made this as short, concise and poignant as I wanted. (Two out of three, isn't bad.) I wanted to capture Hokuto as she perceived herself, as a sister, and as a person with her mortality. The fic is confusing because the voice and time changes from past to present to past. It was really bunched together, but I wanted to present a girl who was both a child in action and a woman in mentality. I felt that she was happy and sad to lose her past and her future.  
A question that Rei-chan brought up was if the last thought about Subaru was Hokuto's or Kakyou's. I liked that question and so I shall pursue the answer here. I had intended it for Hokuto to be a little envious of Subaru and yet for her to admire him even more. Yet, this can also be said that Kakyou wishes that Hokuto could have loved him as deeply as she loved Subaru. (Then again, this is just me. I have a little brother and I love him tremendously. And if he were ever taken away from me, I would instantly stop breathing at the realization. In one dream, I did and coughed with tears in my eyes when I woke up.)

Ah, it saddens me that there aren't too many fics about her.

Thank you for beta-ing, Rei-chan! ^_^v

Hanami - cherry blossom viewing time

**Sunday, November 7, 2004**


End file.
